ou’re planning your dream home makeover. Who do you turn to?
A) I have an entire Pinterest account dedicated to designing my dream home with separate boards for each room.
B) Obviously my own taste is impeccable, I absorb it from flaneusing through the streets of London and going to loads of art galleries. I scroll through Dezeen like a porn addict and have email alerts set to alert me as soon as a flat goes on the market in The Barbican.
C) Err, I don’t have the disposable income to do up a house and property is theft anyway?? You can’t do a home makeover on a dead planet Earth.
We’re going shopping to pick up some homewares. Where’s our first stop?
A) You can’t go wrong with the high street. Even the homewares aisle in the supermarket has upped its game. I can never resist those cute tiny ceramic dishes. What are they for? Tea bags? Butter? Trinkets? I don’t know but I have an ever-growing collection.
B) A tour of east London concept stores topped off by dropping in on a ceramics market held in a railway arch. I scour eBay for plausibly mid-century modern pieces but if you ask me where it’s from I’ll tell you it’s from a flea market. In Berlin.
C) Everything is from charity shops or Etsy, apart from this table, which I dragged in off the street like a cat with a dead bird.
A) My significant other and our baby, a six-month-old cockapoo. He has his own Instagram account, too.
B) My equally bespectacled partner and our mink grey rescue whippet. We all have matching polo-neck jumpers.
C) My parents — or six of my friends, not counting the silverfish who come out at night in the bathroom.
What colour are your walls? Any artwork hanging up there?
A) I have all these hilarious framed prints with inspirational quotes that remind me to be more like Beyoncé. My friends know me so well!
B) We left the walls bare after we had them plastered, we really love that authentic rustic look, like an artist’s studio. We’ve got a collection of vintage lino prints and oil paintings we inherited from our parents, but like, ironically.
C) I have no idea what the original colours of my walls are, they’re either covered in tearsheets from old magazines or pictures I printed out from the internet. I’ve saved one wall for my friends to draw on whenever they come over.
Where do you keep your prescription medication?
A) You mean like paracetamol? In my drawers, I guess. The only medicine I need, I get at my daily date with gin o’clock.
B) In my medicine cabinet, above the Aesop hand wash and along with my artfully curated 15-step skincare routine. I like to fantasise about what my Into The Gloss interview would look like when I’m in the shower with my Glossier body oil.
C) My bed is surrounded by foil packets from my SSRIs. I order empty versions online of those orange plastic pill bottles you see in American television shows and use them for everything from storing earrings to turning them into cute DIY fairy lights.
Mostly As: Pop that Prosecco, girl! You are hashtag girlbossing your way to your best cheugy life. You unironically love what you **love** and you don’t let boring haters get in the way of the perfect picture for the grid. Honestly it sounds heavenly, teach us how to live without internecine intergenerational warfare.
Mostly Bs: Well you’re not cheugy — but you are extremely boring. You are so deeply invested in what’s cool that it exhausts us to think about it. You curate as a verb and one day you will be buried alive under an avalanche of canvas tote bags you got for free when you spent a disgusting amount of money in an independent bookstore.
Mostly Cs: You cheated. Or you are severely lost on the internet. If you are actually under the age of 24, hurry back to YouTube or TikTok and stop taking cringe quizzes. Do you even know what a newspaper is?